Loving You Forever (Battle Born MC Book 7) Page 2

  So many damn questions and never any answers. The choice is clear. I either start making an effort in this world or I may as well not be in it. Doing nothing is doing shit for me. I’ve come so far to lose it all. In the end none of it mattered.

  After my tears have dried up, I wipe my face dry with my t-shirt and force myself to move. I check the closet and, sure enough, all his things are still there. My fingertips graze over the fabric reverently. Every piece of clothing bringing back memories of us together. Like the day he took me to lunch and Vegas went into labor. That day, he told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. He believed in me and loved me unconditionally. He adored my shyness and insecurities. He saw all of me. The burn inside is like a fire has been lit and nothing can put it out. When you fall and there is nothing to catch you but the flames. Love is hell.

  Inside I rage and lose myself to the pain. I grab his shirts by the fistful and throw them out. The crazy inside of me breaks free and I roar in agony. My hands are clenched at my sides and I scream until I can’t any longer. Heaving I bend forward and I ask, “Why did you chose them and not us.” My hands hold my neck with each inhale and exhale my heart rate slows down.

  Swallowing past the lump that forms in my throat, I straighten and brace myself to push forward and not crack. A shoe box must have fell from the shelf from up above. On the floor lies all the photos and unopened letters I sent with Solo to give to Pawn. All of them.

  Searing regret that I ever cared for Pawn runs through each pore inside. I gave that asshole much more than he ever deserved. Hastily, I pick up the photos and the letters placing them in the box. How could he not care to know and see his son? “That son-of-a-bitch!”

  Charging outside, I toss the box and the contents in the small fire pit on the back porch. After finding the lighter fluid and a match, I torch the past. The flames helping to calm the regret that has been mixed by agony and hate. By the time the fire dies down, I promise myself not to surrender and keep pushing forward. He’ll never receive another note from me.

  With what little strength that is left, I put one step in front of the other. Like a zombie, I pick up my laptop and turning it on, I sit on the couch in the living room. I open the folder that has millions of words and thoughts of love and anger. Letters that express everything I wish I could tell him today, this minute. It’s the only thing that has kept me going.

  Solo,

  The first time I saw you, I just knew you were special. I didn’t know why or how, but you just were. I was a shy girl and unsure of who I was. I grew up alone and felt that I was nobody in this world. Another lost soul. That all changed after I got to know all of you. Confidence came and I was fortunate enough to experience more of the world.

  I saw so much, probably too much, while working at the bar. The night that you and Pawn were voted into the club, at your patch-in party was when I realized how lonely I was. It was also one of the worst nights of my life. I think you know why, you guys left with those strippers. It killed me, I wanted what you were giving them. That night we flirted and talked, I thought maybe you saw the possibilities too. After that, I pushed myself to talk to you more. Still, it was casual flirting and nothing more.

  Finally, you started to make a habit of talking with me. It felt good to be noticed. Day by day, we grew more confident around each other. I always wanted to know, why did you wait so long to go for me? We never really got the chance to talk about why. Was it because of Pawn? Or because Blade kept everyone at bay? It seemed like he did. I guess I will never really know why.

  I never did tell you how much money I had put away from that diamond I stole when Battle Born rescued me. But you, your love was more precious than any of that. You made me a millionaire by giving me your love. Us, we were rare. I would give it all away just to have you again. The irony is that one decision brought me here to you. I am a millionaire with no love that can be bought.

  Just know that I would never change a thing, ever. Even if I knew what was going to happen later. I guess there is one thing I would change. I would have run to you sooner. For a short time, I had it all. I had your love.

  You blew me away,

  Tami

  Saving yet another letter among the hundreds, burying them away, I shut the laptop before setting it on the side table. Time has no significance; I don’t want to be me anymore. I force myself to shake off the thoughts and get ready to leave. It’s almost time for work at the bar. I take my time putting on my boots and swiping some mascara over my eyes. My hair is then wrapped up high on my head in a messy bun. I can’t leave it down for everyone to see. Solo loved my long, blonde hair down.

  There is a soft knock at the front door before I hear someone calling out, “Tami, I’m here.”

  Cash’s only living grandmother, Julie, meets me in the foyer. Her soft hand tenderly touches my cheek. “How are you, beautiful girl? You look better.” She tries to look deep into my heart, and peer into my soul, but no one has that right. I quickly shut her out by snapping my eyes closed and turning my face away.

  I only manage to touch her hand and my lips raise slightly, “I’m surviving, a day at a time.”

  She pulls me into a tight hug. “Love you. I’ll stay for the week while you get back to work, okay? I’m here for you and Cash.” After Pawn went away and Cash was born with no complications, Blade and the brothers sat down with me to discuss telling his mom about the baby. No one but us was to know about who Cash’s biological mother was. I was terrified to meet her. Blade, Axl and Tank went to tell her first that her son was going away to prison and that he had a baby with me.

  She was hurt that her son never spoke of the details of his life with her. This whole time she thought he was on a bender. It wasn’t uncommon for them to not see or talk to one another for long periods of time. When I sat down with her, I did my best to explain the fabricated situation. That we broke up and then found out I was pregnant after Solo and I was together. I was expecting Julie to hate me for the story, thinking I was a slut, but she was understanding. Surprisingly, she thanked me for allowing her to visit her grandson.

  To say I was relieved to be able to develop a great relationship with her has made everything a thousand times easier. I love that Cash has a loving grandmother. Solo explained to me later, that Blade made it clear to her that her husband was to never be around Cash nor me. I didn’t want to know the details as to why. I already had an understanding that Pawn’s dad was a horrible father to him. I didn’t need more details and Solo and I had never spoke of it. Julie has never brought it up, and it’s not my place to ask questions. Eventually, there will come a time where Pawn and his mother will have to work through that history.

  Regardless, Julie has been sincere and loving with her support since we met. She’s been here as much as her work schedule lets her get away. “Thank you, I’ll be out late. I’m not sure what time I’ll get in.”

  “Don’t you worry about it, okay?” She pulls back and smiles. I nod before saying goodbye, still the smallest acts of affection are hard and awkward for me. These wounds are taking their time to heal. Only for Cash, will my heart open for; he is the only exception. Today is my first day going back to work at The Black Rose. Question is, can I survive the memories in public?

  Chapter 2

  Pawn

  Nothing.

  As I read in a book, laying on my bed, the guard comes closer and anticipation fills me if I will receive anything today. At first, I would be informed by Solo and see their pictures regularly when he would visit. Never did I read the letters, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking at their faces. He would force me to listen to the updates and the rest he would take them back with him. We agreed to never leave that stuff here, it wouldn’t be safe for them. Then, after he died, Tami started sending updates of her and Cash on her own to me. It made my life a fucking hell to have her words so close and not to be able to read them. I couldn’t allow myself to break and I know deep down that her words would break me. Only
she can do that to me. I hid them from myself and the inmates. Tami was unknowingly putting herself at risk. She tried reaching out to me to see if I was okay, and I never said a word back. Like I did when Solo was alive, I kept pushing her away. Eventually, all contact from her stopped.

  I wasn’t good enough for her then, and I am not good enough for her now. Once again, mail is delivered to everyone but me and I deflate as he passes by my cell. I shouldn’t be, but the disappointment is there none the less. What did I expect? Her to fight for me? How can I tell her how I feel? All the hate that I have for myself. The anger I hold over my head because my best friend died, and I couldn’t even protect him?

  Everything feels wrong. I miss the son I’ve never even been able to hold or see in person but only read about and look at in pictures. It’s too much, and I can’t show any of that emotion in here. It’s not safe.

  For all I know, Tami has had too much shit to deal with since his death to give a fuck about much else. Not getting her updates or talking with my best friend has increased the loneliness. It is for the best, but I can say that I feel even worse and more isolated without her in my life. Her handwritten words, even as friends, meant something to me. Just as I always have done with her, I pushed her way again and left her alone. I knew that she cared for us both. It still pisses me off that she loves him, even in death.

  It doesn’t matter. I won’t be surprised if, by the time I am out of here, she will have another man. A better guy, a guy that is not in the MC and has a better life expectancy than guys like me.

  I let her go because I loved her and knew that I wasn’t right for her then, and I was right.

  I think of daisies and remember that Tami smelled like a flower. She was fresh and a sweet angel. The book rests on my chest as I daydream about her. About the few times I was lucky enough to have her in my arms.

  “Anderson,” the guard hollers for me outside my cell. I really despise him calling him by my last name. “Bunk check, get up on your feet.” Captain Dick of the jailors waltzes in and I stand tall, keeping my back to the wall while he tosses my space. Gradually, the hazing has slowly become a living nightmare. At first, I thought the guards would loosen up after I showed that I wasn’t going to give them shit. It hasn’t worked.

  Now, the guard rips my blanket off the bed and flips the mattress over. Not satisfied, he tosses everything off my shelf and the book where I hid all the pictures drops to the ground. The photos scatter over the floor at my feet. Pulling my shoulders back and clenching my fists at my side, fighting against the urge to pick them all up.

  He bends over and collects one of Tami’s where she’s smiling at the camera while holding Cash. From the angle the picture was taken, you can see the top of her breasts. The asshole whistles low while glancing over the photo. “She’s a hot piece of young ass, Anderson. I wonder who’s giving her dick while you’re locked up in here.” My jaw clenches and I refuse to answer him. “Maybe I’ll check on her for you. God knows I love tight, young pussy like hers. You must be a stupid fuck to have left her out there.”

  He steps closer and keeps running his mouth. All of it comes rushing back to me. Everything that I have lost in the last few months. And I want nothing more than to rip this man apart with my bare hands. They clench as I make a fist and my nostrils flare as I’m glaring into his eyes. My body begins to overheat as the pressure becomes too much to bear. My skin is on fire and my escalating blood pressure makes the vein in my neck pulse. I hate all this fucking shit. Tired of being their fucking pawn.

  His mouth moves but I hear nothing. The asshole turns, his elbow ramming me in the gut as he does so. I hunch forward and heave from the impact. Choking on the words that I want to kill him. He yells out a code and I’m left defenseless. He pummels his fists into my face over and over and I swallow blood.

  Visions of my dad come forward as a kid and the broken bones I got from his hands. The boy inside hides, but the man grows into an angry trapped beast. I’m forced to be the beaten boy. Mentally, I snap. I can’t be him again, be the victim at another man’s hands. I’m about to fight back, but luckily the world goes dark and my body goes limp before I come to again.

  The fire in my chest wakes me from the darkness. My ribs feel like shattered glass that are still broken from the beating they gave me a week ago. I wrap my arms protectively around them and force the air into my lungs. I feel like I could die from the pain and wish they would kill me and get it over with. More guards come in and join in on my beat down and begin kicking me. I curl into a tighter ball to protect myself the best that I can while I wait for them to stop. My body shakes from the intense agony and I hold on tightly, counting each kick and hit.

  By the time I’m done counting, I reach ninety-nine, and they finally start trailing out of the room. The head guard and another one drags my lifeless body off the floor and out of the cell to the medic’s office. “One of these days you’ll break, and you’ll tell me which one of your brothers ran Brad off the road.”

  I don’t look up, not that I can anyway, but manage to mumble, “Fuck you,” between my wheezing and the blood that pours from my mouth. I’ll never tell them how that piece of shit cop tried to help frame us, and how he followed Axl around. The dirty cop got exactly what he deserved.

  “You know, if you keep fucking up, attacking officers will get you years added to your sentence. So, fuck you.” The bastard laughs and tosses me onto the medic’s office floor. “Lights out.” His boot swings for my face and that is the last thing I see for a while, completely blacking out.

  “Wake up, son.” The faraway voice coaxing me to come back. But I fight it. At least here in the abyss there is nothing. I want wherever I am to last forever and never come back, but he keeps calling me. Slowly, my body responds even though I am screaming at myself not to.

  I moan and try to open my eyes, but they are too swollen. I can’t feel my face and my hands are chained to the bed at my sides. I tug hard at the restraints, my body stills with the shooting pain through my ribs, remembering the beat down I took.

  “Hold still, you were out for a day from the assault. I can’t give you pain meds,” the nurse or doctor explains. I feel like my head is going to explode. Another way the guards inflict their torture, forcing me to live with the battered body they left me with to endure. Maybe one of these days, they will take it too far, I can only hope.

  I lie here and wonder how I’m going to make it out of this shit hole alive. If those guards manage to prove that I attacked them, they will definitely add time to my sentence here.

  It looks like I am back to where I started, framed and out of luck. A pawn in the games these motherfuckers keep playing. Chances of me winning are slim to none.

  Chapter 3

  Tami

  “Is that your kid running around the bar?” I look at the toddler out in the crowd, who bumped into a table, and then back at Kat. Since things have somewhat settled down around here, she covers a few shifts a week.

  “Yes,” she chuckles. “Tank just showed up with him and brought us dinner.” Kat glances at me while clearing off a tray and stacking everything into the bin of dirty dishes.

  “Things have really changed, you know. I remember one time you said that you would kill to be me—” My throat constricts and locks up before I can say the rest.

  Kat’s body freezes before she sets the last glass down, and stares at me with sorrow in her eyes. “Tami, I hate that things have changed so much for you. It is painful now, but, one day you’ll be able to live again. I promise.”

  My head shakes back and forth thinking about Solo, the person he was to me, and the things we had planned. I wanted to live out the dreams I had planned for us. Waiting for them to happen and come true. Show him what we could accomplish together. He made me believe the words I’d read over and over. He was it. It is infuriating to me that she thinks it could be so simple. She didn’t love her ex-husband like I love Solo.

  “Really, Kat?” Her head snaps back,
surprised by my bite. “I don’t remember you losing someone you love unexpectedly, that died because someone murdered them. Have you lost Tank? I can’t stand to hear one more time that I will be okay.” Quickly, I clean off the bar top, shoving glasses towards her. “It is never going to be okay again. I will never have what I wanted. It died the day he died!”

  Kat nods her head, “You’re right. There’s a part of you that will never be okay again. But which part of YOU do you want to hold on to?” Only she can see the agony behind the angry words. Her arms come around me and my brave facade that I tried so hard to hold shatters. It feels like a million splinters exploding in my chest. The burning inside is deep and all-consuming. “I want to be you so badly now,” rasping my confession onto her shoulder.

  “Me too, T, me too. I wish I would have never said that to you,” Kat quietly admits and holds on tightly while the tears pour from my eyes. She has always had my back and never left my side. Kat is never afraid to face the most impossible challenges. I’ve never been alone, only a shell of the person I recognize. This mean girl, full of hate, I don’t know who she is.

  “Hey,” Tank startles me and I pull back only to see his concerned face. “Let’s take a walk, lil’ T.” He doesn’t leave me any room to argue when he wraps his arm around my shoulders and guides me out the back and through the office.

  When we reach the outside, I feel a gush of fresh air and inhale greedily. Relieved to get out of the bar, I glance around the property. It helps to clear out and calm the emotions that have been haunting me. Deep inhales and exhales, I push for freedom from my own chains.

  Far off in the distance, you can see Cuervo sitting with Emilia on their front porch. His bike is parked out front. I keep looking, focusing on the world and not me. Not the fucked-up girl I’ve become. Glancing to the right is the old shop which Vegas turned into a brewery. It has been bustling with new business that she and the Battle Born MC have grown together. The sounds come forward stronger and the fog I was wrapped in has lessened.