Loving You Forever (Battle Born MC Book 7) Read online

  “Thank you, it’s new. I’m getting married to a banker in about a year.” Her body relaxing back and her shoulders come down. “How about you?” I watch the reaction and it occurs to me that bringing up her past, to a now stranger, was a bad idea.

  I think about her question, and I know for certain that I don’t want to tell her about Solo and make this about me. “I have a son who’ll be turning one in a month. His name is Cash and has these beautiful blue eyes and blond hair. He is everything.”

  Amanda takes a quick glance, “He has your hair,” she comments absently, peering at the picture on my phone.

  “I would love to think so, but I have a feeling he is all his dad.”

  We spend a few more minutes catching up on life, but I can see that she has moved on with her life. I couldn’t be prouder that my family helped give her the life she deserves.

  After she finishes her drink, I move to stand up and am caught off guard when her arms wrap around me in a tight embrace before she pulls away. “I am so happy to see you today. Where did you say you were living again?”

  “In Reno, just over the hill. Look me up if you ever find yourself that way.”

  “Hopefully, we can meet up soon.” Her words aren’t as enthusiastic as I would expect, but I don’t know her anymore. I chalk it up to that she is right where she should be and, today, we said our goodbyes. We aren’t meant to be lifelong friends. We had a time in our lives where we needed each other, and that time has passed. We can move on with memories and remembrance.

  I’m certain we will never see each other again. I am happy I can let her go. It’s time to face the truth and move on.

  Chapter 12

  Pawn

  The peace-out cabin needed work and Tank, the ever opportunist, made sure that I knew. When I showed up, there was a note on the table with a list written by a woman, no doubt Kat, a list of chores that needed to be completed.

  Tank added in his block style writing, Pawn, since you’re up here, work is a good way to sort through shit. Let me help you.

  I can see the smug bastard’s face even from here, how excited he was to pawn off his chores on me, the asshole. Pawn. Stupid asshole is in my head now with his puns. During the first week, I power wash then stain the siding. Conveniently, he left everything I would need to complete all these chores.

  I’ve put off seeing my mom at this time. I needed a little peace and quiet to say goodbye to my friend, something I didn’t get to do before. She is going to kick my ass for not coming to see her sooner. Mom will be upset that I never told her about Cash before going away to prison and that I haven’t seen Cash yet since I’ve been out. I haven’t been ready; I hope she will understand why I kept all of this to myself.

  In the garage, I store what is left of the stain I used, and clean up the mess around the outside. There is still plenty of time to go see my mom, so I take a shower and clean myself up. Before I know it, I find myself standing outside my childhood home. My fist raises to knock on the weathered screen door that’s barely hanging on by the old rusty screws. The wooden door behind it swings open and the mean old drunk that is my father is glaring at me from the other side.

  “Julie!” he hollers, slurring his words and clutching his Natural Ice beer can. “Your piece of shit son is on my porch.” He turns and stumbles away, like I am nothing but trash to him, easily thrown away.

  I clench my fists as I do my best to control my thoughts of barging in there and beating the life out of him. That was what happened the last day I lived here. He was bloody on the floor when I was seventeen. Our last fight was so brutal, that had my mom not begged me to stop, I would have killed him, I know it. I wish I would have, he’s worthless.

  He knows that if she shows up with a bruise, I will kill him. Yet, she stays. I can’t imagine what she does to survive and why she does it. But my mom refuses to leave and there isn’t much I can do to convince her if she won’t listen.

  “Eric,” she gasps in the doorway and charges through. Her arms come around my neck and I spin her around before setting her back onto her feet.

  “Hey, momma.” One arm holds her close to me.

  She lets go and claps her hands together. “This is just the best day, other than when Cash was born.” She’s not happy and her comment proves it. Mom leads us to the table on the porch and settles in. She asks me a lot of questions about prison and I explain that it was a glorified babysitting building. I can’t worry her about the crazy bullshit that actually went on in there.

  “And Cash, sweetie, how was that?”

  When I hesitate, which she picks up right away, and the drilling begins. Stopping her before she gets too far, I lay one of my biggest confessions on her. I didn’t tell her about Cash because I didn’t know if I would be in the kid’s life after I got out. What if I couldn’t hack it as a father with Solo here? She listens and she fights back the tears. When I tell her that I have been out for a week and this is the first stop I have made since I have been out. Her scowl says it all. She’s not happy one bit.

  “I get that you needed a little time to get your head together. But that boy needs a daddy that loves him. Tami needs your help. She’s doing what she can alone with all our help. You,” she points, “of all people, would know what that is like.”

  I hang my head, “Mom, I’m terrified that I am going to be like him.”

  “Well, you’re doing a great job of it so far. If you keep running from your problems, Eric, how are you ever going to prove to yourself that you are not him? At some point, you need to know that you are worthy of love. You run because your father taught you not to love yourself enough to have good things. When are you going to stop listening to him and be the man I taught you to be?”

  The hurtful words rest on the tip of my tongue like a dagger. When will she learn that she deserves more than what he gives her, and leave? I’m tired of everyone looking for me to be better when they do what? Nothing different.

  “Don’t go there with me, Eric,” my mother warns, clearly reading my thoughts. “This isn’t about me, don’t try that argument with me.”

  I concede, because it is my mother and I didn’t tell her a lot of shit. I hate every story she makes me listen to; her stories of Cash and Tami together. The stories I’ve craved to hear for months now. Mom doesn’t realize she’s digging a dull knife in my heart. The more I hear, the more I feel like shit. I know I fucked up for not being there with them. Tami shared all this with Solo and not me. Now she’s been doing it all alone.

  Some foolish part of me wants to hear more because I deserve the agony. Maybe it’s a good reminder that they are better off without me, anyway. Mom fits in as many as she can before I have to leave to head back to the cabin. Before I go, she warns, “Go home, Eric, go see that boy before it’s too late.”

  Too late for what though? Cash will always belong to me, he’s my blood. I’m way out of my depth here because there isn’t much I can lose at this point. Tami isn’t my woman, and she made her choice. My pride wanted to be her number one. Selfish, probably since I knocked up a club whore, but there lies the truth; she didn’t care enough to see past all that and see me.

  In the end, it wasn’t me.

  A man can get lost in the woods. That’s what I wanted, not to be seen. Not only by Tami, but everyone else as well. Here, I don’t have problems and I don’t have to face anything either. I know I’m being a fuckin’ dick and been hiding from the world. I turned my time up here from decompressing to avoiding. My time is coming to an end; I can feel it. I’m getting a big boot in the ass from the brothers. I deserve it.

  My problem is Tami. I can’t face her after what I have done and not unleash everything. I don’t trust myself with what I will say. I have been trying to avoid her and save Tami from my messed-up mind. I hate myself for caring as much as I do. What will I do when I see her again? Love or hate her?

  It has made me feel useful that I completed all the chores on the list during this last month. I found a
fishing pole in the garage and now I’m sitting in a chair, casting my line into the small lake near the cabin when the rustling of feet coming up the trail alert me that my peace is over.

  I reel the line in and start packing up the chair and the cooler of beer I have with me. Tank and Axl emerge from the tree line a little out breath but also relieved to find me.

  “You’re coming with us,” Tank announces. “Your work is excellent but, bro, you need to get back to shit.”

  Axl picks up the chair, “You have a kid, bro, he—”

  “I know I’ve been a shit, I’ll come back to the clubhouse.” Walking down the trail, they both follow closely behind.

  “We had a lot more to say, asshole,” Axl hollers behind me.

  “Nothing my mom hasn’t already said,” I yell back. But I sat on my ass, anyway. Why? Because if I go back to the clubhouse and fuck other bitches and do a line of coke, then smoke some weed, Cash and Tami will fade into the distance because the drugs have a way of becoming my mistress. At least, up here, I could pretend that I was a better man. Hiding out is over.

  It’s time to find out if I’m the man everyone else has always believed in, because I sure as fuck haven’t shown it. I’m all in, and last thing I want is to fail again. More importantly, I want and need to be Battle Born.

  Chapter 13

  Tami

  “Happy Birthday, Cash.” I kiss the top of his head and say a little prayer to give thanks, to whomever is listening, that this sweet boy is all mine. The room full of the Battle Born MC family just finished singing him Happy Birthday. I start cutting the cake, but it feels odd; something is off. They all seem to be on edge, and the guys keep looking at the door. Who could they be waiting for? A car door slams. It must be the food or beer they are waiting to be delivered.

  Ignoring the change in everyone’s behavior, I concentrate on Cash and remove the candle I had blown out for him. I try handing him a spoon, but his excitement is too much. He ends up knocking it out of my hand and it hits the floor. I bend over to pick it up and come up face-to-face with Pawn. How is he here? How is this happening? I thought he had more time away in prison.

  I heard the door, but with this many people in the house, I didn’t even think. My hand drops and the spoon clatters back to the floor. Tears well in my eyes. The sudden rush of relief and anger lacing my bloodstream are like a hit of adrenaline. My mind gets dizzy and I don’t know what to feel or say. The room falls into silence, waiting for me to react. It feels like a horrible test. I want to tell the asshole to leave, but at the same time I want to hug him.

  All the times I tried to keep in contact, only to have him push me away, come to the surface the strongest. But Cash—I can’t even yell or scream at him for all he has done to hurt me. I didn’t even know if he would come home and be a dad to Cash.

  “How are you here?” the disbelief is clear as I mumble my thoughts.

  “I got an early release.” Pawn’s face is surprised. Did he not want to be here?

  Kat tries to help. She places a hand on my back. I almost want to crumble and fall to the floor. But I have become stronger since the last time he saw me. I am not that meek little girl anymore. Far from it. Red hot rage covers any feeling of remorse for the man I used to care for and who I had thought that I loved. I thought he had cared for me, too.

  Steeling my nerves, I play nice and polite, while inwardly I want to scream what a selfish prick he really is. “It’s Cash’s birthday,” I grind my teeth together, trying to keep an even tone. Bending forward, I unlatch Cash from his highchair and pick him up.

  “Baby, say hi to your daddy.” Who has never tried to reach out or acknowledge us.

  Pawn

  Oh, hell to the fucking no.

  Axl and Tank told me before we left that there was an important party, I had to make it to. Let’s just say that I thought it was going to have bud and bitches. They warned me that, if I didn’t follow, I would be stripped of my cut which they had brought for me. But whose party, I had no idea.

  Now, I follow them inside, and my gut is churning as I’m looking at the house. Even more so when I see her. My angel, the one I tried so hard to forget. Even though her long blond hair is swept up in a messy bun, I would recognize her beauty anywhere. She’s picking a spoon up from the floor and is next to the damn cutest little boy I have never seen.

  I can’t turn away and as I wait for her to stand, I’m captivated by everything. The curves of her body and her endlessly long tanned legs. I get lost in a trance as my eyes roam over her soft pink lips. My mind jerks to reality when her mouth slightly opens and she intakes a gasp seeing me for the first time. Our eyes lock into a familiar embrace and I can’t look away. She draws me in.

  I can see how much Tami has changed. Her once carefree nature has vanished. Those hazel eyes that used to be sweet and innocent are now showing so much more fire and anger behind them. She asks me how I am here, and the bitter tone is noticeable. I answer, but I don’t answer what she is really asking, why am I here. I never contacted her the whole time I was locked away. Tami is standing tall, straightening her back before handing Cash to me.

  “Baby, say hi to your daddy.” Cash waves his hands in my direction and I pull the small kid to me to hug him. My mom shoots me daggers from behind Tami. It’s a strange feeling and awkward with all eyes on me. I don’t have a clue how to be a dad or act like one. This would have been so much better had I met with her first and then Cash alone. He wiggles around and tries to get away from me. Tami crosses her arms and lets me suffer in silence before she turns away with a bright red face about to explode.

  My mom jumps into action and rubs his back and soothes the guy, “Hey, Cash, are you ready to eat your cake?” He stills at her touch and voice then smiles, and I try to follow her lead.

  “Cash, is it your birthday today?” I feel like a real shit. Did they tell me the date he was born? I remember them telling me about it, but I forgot, and not that I even thought to ask. I even show up with no gift. Really fucking cool. “Can I have some of your cake?” That’s all I could think to say. I don’t even know what to say to my own son and I hate myself for it. Swallowing hard, I avoid everyone’s faces and settle into the seat at the kitchen table. My stomach is in knots over the mess I made.

  My mom picks up and set’s his plate from the highchair in front of us. Conversations start to pick back up as I sit and help him eat his cake. She pats my back and leaves us alone, walking in Tami’s direction. Tami stares out the window, crossing her arms over her chest, not even looking towards us.

  Unfortunately, I steal the show while the brothers start talking to me more, welcoming me home. Asking me questions about being locked up and what I’m doing next. This couldn’t have turned out any worse.

  There stands my mom, huddling with Tami in the corner, both forgotten, along with Cash and his birthday. They pass whispers back and forth and I know I am in deep shit. I can feel it deep in my bones. Of all the days to come back, I had to be dragged back today. I didn’t listen to my mom or Tank. This is the worst possible timing.

  Cell phones are busted out and pictures are being taken of us. I took something so special away from Tami and my son; I wonder if she will ever forgive me. This is not what I wanted to do to her. Hurt replaced the anger and I can see it clear as day. My gut drops and I sink further down in my own depths of mistakes than I was before. I’m desperate to change something for her. I need to try, the disappointment on her face is worse than any beating I have ever taken.

  When Cash loses interest in eating, I stand and bring him back to her and ask, “Mom, will you take a picture of us?” As I get Tami cornered in the kitchen, I lean in and whisper, “I’m sorry, angel.”

  She gasps and then trembles when I pull her into me while holding Cash in my arms for our first family photo. The feel of her body next to me is almost too much. I can smell her shampoo; the silky scent is captivating my senses. Still she refuses to speak or acknowledge me. Tank’s eyes are l
ocked onto Tami. He knows exactly what’s going on with her now. Why he did this, I don’t know, because I could have been dragged back home tomorrow.

  This past month, I dodged all of them. Every time Tank, Axl or Blade came to see me, I promised to come home the next day, but chickened out. I had no phone so they couldn’t reach me either. And now I regret it all.

  Tami

  When Pawn whispers the name, he used to call me, angel, it’s like a dagger to my heart. How could he say that to me? I never in my life thought that he would ever say that to me again, and today of all days is so unfair. Without warning of him coming home early, I’m not prepared to face him and our past.

  My heart and brain go to war as I feel so conflicted with the brokenness inside. He has managed to shatter me within seconds. How could he do that? How? I never did understand him or why I am now reacting the way I am. It’s not right, though, and I freeze up. I had Solo, so why do I care?

  As soon as the picture of us three is taken, I bolt out of the kitchen, needing some air and distance. My mind races and my body feels deprived of air. I don’t know how to navigate these extremes. Right when I think I have my life on track, it is blown apart again.

  I rip the flannel away from the hook with Solo’s smokes inside, throwing it on, and head out to the back porch to light one up. Taking in an inhale of the toxic fumes that light up my bloodstream. I sigh as the drug invades my senses, making me feel dizzy and relaxed.

  The door opens, then shuts, effectively destroying my peace and quiet. “Tami, take a breath,” Tank tries to reason with me.

  “I am,” I snap at him and hold up my lit cig as evidence.

  Tank’s eyes bug out at my outburst, “Cool, can I have one?” he relaxes a bit and leans against the banister.